Dr. John Brackin:
"I am to be the principle speaker at a senior adult lock-in at First Baptist Church, Grand Prairie, TX,
September 17, 2009. Part of the program was for me to perform a Humorous Cowboy Wedding.
Below are the vows, I wrote for the occasion."
My fellow ranch hands we are gathered to hitch this here cowpoke and cowgirl in holy matrimony.
If anyone objects they can jest stay seated and be quiet or have a talk with my Colt 45 peacemaker.
Now marriage is a sacred get together.
So I wrote a poem for the occasion.
"Marriage is forever
You can't leave each other never.
It's nice to have silver and gold.
It's better to have love when you're old.
So hold each others hand
And celebrate the range you ran
Cause when you got each other
You don't need another."
Before we get to the vows, I have some sage advice for the loving coupe.
Now we all know that love is good stuff.
That you found each other is like drinking water from a fresh clean stream.
Marriage is wonderful.
It is fantastic to find that one special person that you want to annoy the rest of your life.
That great cowboy Will Rogers offered wise advice on marriage.
He said, "Before the wedding keep your eyes wide open. Afterwards keep them half closed."
Pastor to the Bride:
Now Betsy, husbands are sometimes like a Maverick steer.
They are hard to keep in the corral.
The best way to get your man to do something is to suggest that he is too old to do it.
You got your rope around him now give him a little slack.
Pastor to the Groom:
Sam, remember that wives are like a Texas blue bonnet; beautiful, delicate
and to be appreciated. Never forget to tell here she is beautiful.
Then you will always get the last two words in every discussion.
Just make sure the words are "Yes dear."
Always remember the three magic words: "You're right dear."
Admit it when you're wrong.
When you're right, just shut up.
Preacher to the Groom:
Since you are here to declare your devotion, do you promise to love Betsy more than
your horse, your pickup truck, and the Dallas Cowboys?
Will you always take off your spurs when you come to bed?
When its 90 degrees outside, will you loan Betsy your bandana?
If it's over 100, will you fan her with your Stetson?
Do you promise to keep the dog on your side of the couch and wash him out side
rather than in the house?
Will you put the toilet seat down and rinse the dishes before you put them in the sink.
Groom: I do.
Preacher to the Bride:
Betsy, do you promise to love Sam more than your horse and credit cards?
Will you make sure the grub is chuck wagon good?
Do you promise to bring your man a cold bucket of water while he tends the herd?
Will you put paper on the bathroom roller?
Will you feed the dog and not complain when he sleeps on the couch.
With the Lord and your friends as your witness, do you promise to put up
with his grubby buddies and their muddy boots?
Will you even grab your apron and whip up a prim rib and tatters when they are hungry?
Will you comfort him when the Dallas Cowboys lose?
Will you serve Buffalo wings, chips, and salsa to help him recover?
Do you promise to love, honor, cook for, clean up after, surrender your share
of the blanket to, let him go unshaven on Saturday, and relinquish the remote
until death do you part?
Bride: I do.
To make sure the knot stays tied, I want you to repeat after me.
Preacher to the Groom Repeat after me:
I, Sam, take you Betsy to be my beloved wife.
I promise to love you and be your faithful partner, (but I would appreciate time off
for football, baseball, basketball, soccer, hockey, hunting, and fishing seasons)
for better for worse, (I prefer better.) for richer, for poorer, ( I prefer richer);
when the Dallas Cowboys are winning, and when they are losing, in sickness, and in health,
(it makes me sick when my sports team looses); I will be true and loyal,
and cherish you for all the days of our lives.
Preacher to Bride Repeat after me:
I, Betsy, take you Sam, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward,
(of course I will be holding out for better rather than for worse),
for richer, for poorer, (we all agree that richer is better, poorer comes
when I've been to the mall);
in sickness and in health, (in health is easy. Sickness is another story.
The typical male thinks a tiny sniffle is equal to the bubonic plague and swine flue)
to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.
Because you have promised to take care of the herd, the dog, the cat,
and oh yea each other, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may now give each other a Texas size hug and kiss.